Compersion

Compersion is the joy that comes from seeing your partner happy because of their other lovers.

Several people have told me I am one of the most poly people they know. I never get jealous, I work hard to keep my wife happy, I work hard to accommodate OSOs, etc. Well, I've been struggling a little, because my long distance partner has a new partner. Recently, I got very jealous, because I felt the amount of phone time had been reduced to about a third of pre-partner levels and the level of focus during calls was down as well. She was distracted when talking to me. It occurred to me that I've never had to deal with a partner's NRE (new relationship energy) before. I've never had to deal with a loss of time like this. It took me awhile, and a spiritual 2x4, but I got the jealousy under control. The amount of focus and attention during our reduced phone time got fixed, and things got better.

I got back from a long weekend visit, where we got a chance to reconnect. It took longer than we cared for, but she was busy for part of the time, and it was understandable.

Then, I got home, reconnected with my wife, and then discovered how fragile that equilibrium was. Some small non-digging comment from her set me off on a wild, shouting rant that spread my insecurity far and wide around the bedroom. I'm sure I scared her. I calmed down and we talked about it. She pointed a few things out that I hadn't realized before, especially about her own insecurities about me.

So, today I moved a long way in the direction of recognizing how her new partner fulfills her needs and makes her happy. I'm finding my compersion again. This makes me happy, and relieves a lot of stress.

Now, dealing with scheduling when we're all (me, my wife, my other partner, and her partner) in the same place, which happens at least a few times a year? That may take more time. :-)