Compersion is the joy that comes from seeing your partner happy because of their other lovers.
Several people have told me I am one of the most poly people they know. I never get jealous, I work hard to keep my wife happy, I work hard to accommodate OSOs, etc. Well, I've been struggling a little, because my long distance partner has a new partner. Recently, I got very jealous, because I felt the amount of phone time had been reduced to about a third of pre-partner levels and the level of focus during calls was down as well. She was distracted when talking to me. It occurred to me that I've never had to deal with a partner's NRE (new relationship energy) before. I've never had to deal with a loss of time like this. It took me awhile, and a spiritual 2x4, but I got the jealousy under control. The amount of focus and attention during our reduced phone time got fixed, and things got better.
I got back from a long weekend visit, where we got a chance to reconnect. It took longer than we cared for, but she was busy for part of the time, and it was understandable.
Then, I got home, reconnected with my wife, and then discovered how fragile that equilibrium was. Some small non-digging comment from her set me off on a wild, shouting rant that spread my insecurity far and wide around the bedroom. I'm sure I scared her. I calmed down and we talked about it. She pointed a few things out that I hadn't realized before, especially about her own insecurities about me.
So, today I moved a long way in the direction of recognizing how her new partner fulfills her needs and makes her happy. I'm finding my compersion again. This makes me happy, and relieves a lot of stress.
Now, dealing with scheduling when we're all (me, my wife, my other partner, and her partner) in the same place, which happens at least a few times a year? That may take more time. :-)
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Imagine my surprise!
I was raised in the 1970s to be a sensitive guy of the 90s. Everyone's equal. Women control their bodies. Ask permission before touching someone. It's okay to show your emotions. You know -- a real Alan Alda-type.
Imagine my surprise when, after more than six years of marriage and knowing my wife for at least six more before that, I find myself as her Owner and she as my pet. We'd had a pretty normal marriage, share in decisions, share expenses (though we've never merged finances, since mine are so crappy), share in raising the children, share share share. Sometimes we argue, sometimes we'd go periods without sex, but all pretty normal stuff.
Then my wife woke up one day, turned to me, and said, "I need you to Own me. Like a person owns a beloved pet. I really don't like the idea of 'slave'."
It took me a day to pick up my jaw from the floor. My chin was rather sore from bumping into things. Then we talked about it.
It turns out that she's always had a need to totally submit and be owned, that she's been in a couple relationships where she submitted, but they'd never worked out well, because they were bastards who took advantage of her. She had never brought up the subject with me, because she viewed me as not interested in such things. Until recently, except for the fact that I was polyamorous, my sex life had been rather vanilla. But at the time, I had been investigating BDSM for about six months.
My wife felt the time was ripe to reveal her deep seated need to me. She couldn't have been more right. In the months since then, I've been exploring my dominant side with her. I've been finding what things she needs. It turns out, she has a high pain threshold, and really enjoys certain kinds of pain, like biting, flogging, and spanking. Sometimes I need lots of reassurance that I'm not hurting her more than she wants. Being new to everything, it took me awhile to really use the flogger hard enough, to spank like I mean it, etc. We have never been happier or more satisfied.
And the sex? Oh, my Gods! We went from occasional sex to sex every night for two weeks straight. I'm not talking about going to bed, making love, and falling asleep cuddling. I'm talking about an hour of making out and heavy petting on the couch, followed by going up to bed, flogging or spanking for 45 minutes, and then hard sweaty fucking for at least another hour. We were collapsing unconscious after 2 a.m., and needing to wake up at 7 a.m. We could't keep our hands off each other. If I wasn't touching her when in the same room, I was unhappy.
We still want to do that every night, but realities of children and jobs keep it down to about four to five nights a week. Sleeping in on the weekend often means waking up at 6 a.m., having sex, going back to sleep, and going at it again at 9.
She just spent a week out of town visiting her best friend that she's known since grade school. We missed each other so thoroughly. Part of the problem was that her friend lives in a valley between two mountains and gets shitty cell service. We talked once a day and texted each other the rest of the time. The kids were all gone too, so the house was empty, except for the housemate, who worked nights and I barely saw. I couldn't get to sleep. I'd wake up on the couch, having fallen asleep writing on the computer till 3:30 a.m.
When she came home last night just before midnight, we sat down to watch Leverage on T.V. before going to bed. We got about 15 minutes into the show before we were all over each other, pulling off clothes, and doing it on the couch. I said, "Time for the bed." We went upstairs and kept going for another two hours.
Welcome home, my love.
Imagine my surprise when, after more than six years of marriage and knowing my wife for at least six more before that, I find myself as her Owner and she as my pet. We'd had a pretty normal marriage, share in decisions, share expenses (though we've never merged finances, since mine are so crappy), share in raising the children, share share share. Sometimes we argue, sometimes we'd go periods without sex, but all pretty normal stuff.
Then my wife woke up one day, turned to me, and said, "I need you to Own me. Like a person owns a beloved pet. I really don't like the idea of 'slave'."
It took me a day to pick up my jaw from the floor. My chin was rather sore from bumping into things. Then we talked about it.
It turns out that she's always had a need to totally submit and be owned, that she's been in a couple relationships where she submitted, but they'd never worked out well, because they were bastards who took advantage of her. She had never brought up the subject with me, because she viewed me as not interested in such things. Until recently, except for the fact that I was polyamorous, my sex life had been rather vanilla. But at the time, I had been investigating BDSM for about six months.
My wife felt the time was ripe to reveal her deep seated need to me. She couldn't have been more right. In the months since then, I've been exploring my dominant side with her. I've been finding what things she needs. It turns out, she has a high pain threshold, and really enjoys certain kinds of pain, like biting, flogging, and spanking. Sometimes I need lots of reassurance that I'm not hurting her more than she wants. Being new to everything, it took me awhile to really use the flogger hard enough, to spank like I mean it, etc. We have never been happier or more satisfied.
And the sex? Oh, my Gods! We went from occasional sex to sex every night for two weeks straight. I'm not talking about going to bed, making love, and falling asleep cuddling. I'm talking about an hour of making out and heavy petting on the couch, followed by going up to bed, flogging or spanking for 45 minutes, and then hard sweaty fucking for at least another hour. We were collapsing unconscious after 2 a.m., and needing to wake up at 7 a.m. We could't keep our hands off each other. If I wasn't touching her when in the same room, I was unhappy.
We still want to do that every night, but realities of children and jobs keep it down to about four to five nights a week. Sleeping in on the weekend often means waking up at 6 a.m., having sex, going back to sleep, and going at it again at 9.
She just spent a week out of town visiting her best friend that she's known since grade school. We missed each other so thoroughly. Part of the problem was that her friend lives in a valley between two mountains and gets shitty cell service. We talked once a day and texted each other the rest of the time. The kids were all gone too, so the house was empty, except for the housemate, who worked nights and I barely saw. I couldn't get to sleep. I'd wake up on the couch, having fallen asleep writing on the computer till 3:30 a.m.
When she came home last night just before midnight, we sat down to watch Leverage on T.V. before going to bed. We got about 15 minutes into the show before we were all over each other, pulling off clothes, and doing it on the couch. I said, "Time for the bed." We went upstairs and kept going for another two hours.
Welcome home, my love.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Japanese Kamasutra
My wife was looking at a website with Japanese Bento boxes and their accessories. On it, she found dishes and sake bottles that have frogs in numerous sex positions glazed into the porcelain. Each one had the Japanese name of the position (such as 'Yagura' and 'Takarabune'), but the photos on the website only showed a few positions and their names.
I got curious. I wanted to know the rest of the Japanese names for sex positions.
What I found was amazing. The names are often very poetic and sometimes difficult to reconcile with the actual position. For instance, 'Byakko Nishiki' or 'Dazzling Brocade' has the woman on her back with her legs raised up, bent at the knee, and spread apart. She holds the back of her thighs or knees to maintain the position, while the man plays with her pussy. Where is the brocade in this? Is it the woman's labia? Does the name come from her resembling a quilt rack?
Other positions have names that make perfect sense. Perhaps not the first thing to come to the Western mind, but you can at least see where the name came from. For example, 'Oshiguruma' or 'Pushcart' is the Western position called 'The Wheelbarrow'. The woman bends over from standing, putting her hands on the floor, and the man picks up her thighs and enters her. It looks like an erotic wheelbarrow race at the church picnic for the Temple of Aphrodite. Or an Oriental pushcart.
Some of your favorite positions have great new names. Good ol' Doggy-Style is 'Hiyodori-goe' or 'Riding down the Cliff'. 'Ajiro Honte' or 'Fish Trap' is the reliable Missionary position. All you Cowgirls are using the 'Shigure Chausu' or 'Drizzling Tea-grinding Mill', though many of you also use 'Authentic Tea-grinding Mill' (AKA 'Hon Chausu'), when you lean forward to tease your partner with your breasts. Try using these names with your partner, next time you're in bed together -- "Let's Ride down the Cliff tonight, honey."
I found some of these positions to new and full of possibilities. 'Inbound Boat' ('Irifune Honte') has the man kneel between the woman's spread legs, while she lays on her back. He pulls her hips up into his lap, enters her, and proceeds to go to town. Figuring out the leverage to be effective would be interesting, since the man can rise up on his knees, and watching the woman's body wiggling below would be fun. 'Assault on the Chessboard' ('Goban-zeme') is a standing position, where the woman bends over with her hands on the floor or a small ottoman, while the man penetrates her from behind.
Some seem physically impossible. One called 'The Anvil' ('Kinuta') involves the woman on her back with her hips and legs raised up. The man squats down, facing away from her head, sets his butt on her thighs, somehow inserts himself inside her, and they fuck. The angles seem all wrong, and it looks like entering the woman is impossible. If by some miracle the man got inside her, I'd think he'd have a serious chance of breaking his penis. 'Tachi Matsuba' or 'Perpendicular Pine Needles' could only work with a very, very, short woman and a very tall man. It has the standing man grab the ankles of the woman, lift her legs off the floor, dangle her upside-down, step one leg over her crotch, and then enter her. Another great opportunity to sprain the man's equipment. It kind of looks like a living 3-D St. Andrew's Cross, so the name is very appropriate.
Perhaps learning the Japanese names for these sex positions is too much work for Westerners, but these examples might inspire you to make up your own pet names for the sex positions you use most. I think I'm going to start calling Reverse Cowgirl 'Looking in the Rear-view Mirror'.
By the way, the two positions I mentioned in the first paragraph? 'Yagura' or 'Castle Tower' is standard Cowgirl, and 'Takarabune' ('Fortune ship') is Reverse Cowgirl.
I got curious. I wanted to know the rest of the Japanese names for sex positions.
What I found was amazing. The names are often very poetic and sometimes difficult to reconcile with the actual position. For instance, 'Byakko Nishiki' or 'Dazzling Brocade' has the woman on her back with her legs raised up, bent at the knee, and spread apart. She holds the back of her thighs or knees to maintain the position, while the man plays with her pussy. Where is the brocade in this? Is it the woman's labia? Does the name come from her resembling a quilt rack?
Other positions have names that make perfect sense. Perhaps not the first thing to come to the Western mind, but you can at least see where the name came from. For example, 'Oshiguruma' or 'Pushcart' is the Western position called 'The Wheelbarrow'. The woman bends over from standing, putting her hands on the floor, and the man picks up her thighs and enters her. It looks like an erotic wheelbarrow race at the church picnic for the Temple of Aphrodite. Or an Oriental pushcart.
Some of your favorite positions have great new names. Good ol' Doggy-Style is 'Hiyodori-goe' or 'Riding down the Cliff'. 'Ajiro Honte' or 'Fish Trap' is the reliable Missionary position. All you Cowgirls are using the 'Shigure Chausu' or 'Drizzling Tea-grinding Mill', though many of you also use 'Authentic Tea-grinding Mill' (AKA 'Hon Chausu'), when you lean forward to tease your partner with your breasts. Try using these names with your partner, next time you're in bed together -- "Let's Ride down the Cliff tonight, honey."
I found some of these positions to new and full of possibilities. 'Inbound Boat' ('Irifune Honte') has the man kneel between the woman's spread legs, while she lays on her back. He pulls her hips up into his lap, enters her, and proceeds to go to town. Figuring out the leverage to be effective would be interesting, since the man can rise up on his knees, and watching the woman's body wiggling below would be fun. 'Assault on the Chessboard' ('Goban-zeme') is a standing position, where the woman bends over with her hands on the floor or a small ottoman, while the man penetrates her from behind.
Some seem physically impossible. One called 'The Anvil' ('Kinuta') involves the woman on her back with her hips and legs raised up. The man squats down, facing away from her head, sets his butt on her thighs, somehow inserts himself inside her, and they fuck. The angles seem all wrong, and it looks like entering the woman is impossible. If by some miracle the man got inside her, I'd think he'd have a serious chance of breaking his penis. 'Tachi Matsuba' or 'Perpendicular Pine Needles' could only work with a very, very, short woman and a very tall man. It has the standing man grab the ankles of the woman, lift her legs off the floor, dangle her upside-down, step one leg over her crotch, and then enter her. Another great opportunity to sprain the man's equipment. It kind of looks like a living 3-D St. Andrew's Cross, so the name is very appropriate.
Perhaps learning the Japanese names for these sex positions is too much work for Westerners, but these examples might inspire you to make up your own pet names for the sex positions you use most. I think I'm going to start calling Reverse Cowgirl 'Looking in the Rear-view Mirror'.
By the way, the two positions I mentioned in the first paragraph? 'Yagura' or 'Castle Tower' is standard Cowgirl, and 'Takarabune' ('Fortune ship') is Reverse Cowgirl.
Friday, April 8, 2011
My Other Partner is my Ex-girlfriend's Boyfriend's Wife
(This was originally published in Sensual 'n Secret blog on March 21, 2009.)
My blog on vacation sex was my first post here, and I just jumped in with both feet only throwing you tidbits about myself. This week you get more of an introduction to me.
I write erotica and speculative fiction, defined as the collection of science fiction, fantasy, and horror genres. I really like writing flash fiction, defined as stories under a thousand words. I've had several erotic stories published at Oysters and Chocolate, an erotica webzine, and Ruthie's Club, an erotica subscription website (n.b. now sadly closed). I've been writing fiction for five years.
You may have noticed a phrase I used in last week's blog -- "my other significant other". My significant other is my wife, whom I live with in the Midwest.
My other significant other is my other partner that lives on the East Coast. No, I'm not cheating on my wife. We are polyamorous (poly for short), also known as ethical non-monogamy -- similar to an open marriage. This means that my wife and I have agreed that, within certain rules, we can both pursue romantic/sexual relationships outside of the marriage. Over the years, I've had several girlfriends.
My long distance partner is also poly and lives with her partner and their daughter. I've known her for over a decade, but only recently did we strike up a relationship. Coincidentally, her partner is dating a woman I used to date a couple years ago. So, the title of this article is true for me, except for the 'wife' part. (They aren't married, but 'partner' would have been too repetitious.)
Polyamory isn't for everyone. If you are the jealous type, if the thought of your spouse/lover/partner/whatever having sex and being in love with another person makes you want to buy guns or rat poison, if you hide in the attic in the fetal position every time your spouse leaves the house, perhaps you're not cut out for it. It's all about trust and communication. The three most important rules in a polyamorous relationship are: communicate, communicate, and communicate.
That's enough about me for now. Next time, back to the sex.
Reading List
Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships
, Tristan Taormino, Cleis Press, 2008.
The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures
, Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, Celestial Arts, 2009.
Polyamorous Misanthrope (http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/), a web site with great articles on polyamory.
My blog on vacation sex was my first post here, and I just jumped in with both feet only throwing you tidbits about myself. This week you get more of an introduction to me.
I write erotica and speculative fiction, defined as the collection of science fiction, fantasy, and horror genres. I really like writing flash fiction, defined as stories under a thousand words. I've had several erotic stories published at Oysters and Chocolate, an erotica webzine, and Ruthie's Club, an erotica subscription website (n.b. now sadly closed). I've been writing fiction for five years.
You may have noticed a phrase I used in last week's blog -- "my other significant other". My significant other is my wife, whom I live with in the Midwest.
My other significant other is my other partner that lives on the East Coast. No, I'm not cheating on my wife. We are polyamorous (poly for short), also known as ethical non-monogamy -- similar to an open marriage. This means that my wife and I have agreed that, within certain rules, we can both pursue romantic/sexual relationships outside of the marriage. Over the years, I've had several girlfriends.
My long distance partner is also poly and lives with her partner and their daughter. I've known her for over a decade, but only recently did we strike up a relationship. Coincidentally, her partner is dating a woman I used to date a couple years ago. So, the title of this article is true for me, except for the 'wife' part. (They aren't married, but 'partner' would have been too repetitious.)
Polyamory isn't for everyone. If you are the jealous type, if the thought of your spouse/lover/partner/whatever having sex and being in love with another person makes you want to buy guns or rat poison, if you hide in the attic in the fetal position every time your spouse leaves the house, perhaps you're not cut out for it. It's all about trust and communication. The three most important rules in a polyamorous relationship are: communicate, communicate, and communicate.
That's enough about me for now. Next time, back to the sex.
Reading List
Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships
, Tristan Taormino, Cleis Press, 2008.The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures
, Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, Celestial Arts, 2009.Polyamorous Misanthrope (http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/), a web site with great articles on polyamory.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Vacation Sex
(This was originally published in the Sensual 'n Secret blog on March 1st 2009.)
You might ask, "Why Atlanta?" Being a hub, tickets were cheaper for the two of us to fly to Atlanta than for one of us to fly to the other's city. Really, that was most of the reason. We didn't care much about sightseeing in Atlanta -- we only had three nights together. If the city had too many attractions, we would feel pressure to see them, rather than spending the time in bed. If it had just a little tourist stuff, we wouldn't to have tell our friends, "Oh, we barely made it out of bed," even if it was true. It most certainly was going to be true. So, it was Atlanta, because it interesting enough, but not too interesting.
We flew in Saturday evening, took the train from the airport, and scoped out the hotel. It was a nice, historic hotel, so it had a magnificent lobby, high-quality shampoo and hand soaps, decent coffee in the kitchen, a living room, and a big bedroom with a king-sized bed. This last was most important, because the clothes came off within fifteen minutes of going through the door. We had the sex of no schedules, no kids, in a strange city, in a strange hotel room. In other words, Vacation Sex.
I don't know what anyone elses version of vacation sex is, but I'll tell you about mine. The key features for me are frequent sex and exotic sex. I want a lot of sex, and I want it different than sex at home.
That first night we had sex for an hour and a half before we called room service for some much-needed dinner. We ate and talked, and then had more sex before going to sleep. Since we had no schedule and we knew we could sleep in -- a rare occurrence at best, waking up in the middle of the night for more sex was expected. Then we woke up in the morning, had Sunday morning sex, a shower with those lovely soaps and shampoos, and then a nice late breakfast in the hotel restaurant. More sex before we left for the mall. We giggled about the maid staff commenting about what they'd find.
"Ay dios mio! Look! Eight condoms!"
"Eight? They only checked in at ten last night? Mary, mother of God! I wish Mario could do that."
I usually don't shop much on vacation, but we had discovered a Lush store in town. A previous girlfriend had gotten me hooked on Lush organic bath products. It was also an excuse to leave the hotel for a few hours. We cuddled and kissed on the train, staring long and deep into each others' eyes. The Lush store is sensuous, filled with delicious aromas. We each bought something for ourselves and for our partners back home.
Our excursion let us rest up and we came back to the hotel ready for more sex, but not just any sex. Rope was involved. Then we dressed for dinner, undressed for a quickie, and redressed. The restaurant we'd picked was far from the train, so we had the hotel call us a cab in which we made out. There’s nothing like a sumptuous French meal with good wine to get you in the mood for more sex. Are you catching the theme here? Again in the morning when we left for the day, we laughed about the maids.
"Seven today! And eight yesterday!"
"How can they even walk? I wish."
"They left rope tied to the bed! ¡Travieso!"
On our last full day and night, we had an actual tourist thing to do: the Georgia Aquarium. This would end up being our favorite thing to tell our friends and family about. It distracted them from asking about how much sex we’d had and those two dozen condoms.
Oh, and I recommend the aquarium in its own right, unrelated to how much you need an alibi for vacation sex.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Bedroom Boy Scout
(This was originally published in the Sensual 'n Secret blog on April 5th 2009.)
It's amazing what knowledge from the past can become useful in the bedroom.
I was making my first foray into rope bondage with my partner in a hotel. We had a couple of beginner books on the subject, several lengths of good bondage rope, and a few days on our hands. My partner has been into bondage for some time, but I'm a relative newcomer to it, thus the books.
We read the books together, looking over the instructions, as well as the photos of beautiful bondage models all tied up with no place to go. We talked over which things turned us on, which ties looked like fun, and generally had a sexy time over it. Then we took a break and went shopping.
When we got back, we got down to work. I had picked a couple of simple knots, one for the wrists and one for the ankles. I followed carefully in the book, my partner laid compliantly, enjoying the feel of the rope on her wrists. I was slow, since I wasn't confident of the knots involved and had to keep looking back at the book for the next instruction. When I got to the part about what to do with the other end of the rope, I paused somewhat at a loss. The book never mentioned how to tie the rope to the bed.
"Usually, you use one of those knots that you can adjust the tension on," my partner said helpfully.
Suddenly, I was taken back in my head to thirty years ago. I was a Boy Scout as a teen. I went camping, hiking, canoeing, got several merit badges, and had a pretty good time. In the course of camping several times a year for several years, I learned something about tying knots. I knew at least three knots that could be used in the situation of wanting to tie the end to the bed and pull up the slack. I picked the appropriate one, tied it, tightened up the rope, and was happily greeted with a low moan from my lover.
"Mmmmm, that feels good."
Just that little phrase and she made me feel like a rope expert. In just a couple of minutes, I had her other hand tied down. She playfully pulled against the ropes and purred. Her feet took longer, because the knots were somewhat different than the hand restraints, but in ten minutes, she was stretched spread-eagle on across the bed. I loved how she writhed within her bonds and moaned, obviously enjoying being tied up. I was hard as a rock watching her.
I could have started caressing her or tickling her with a feather, but I chose to indulge one of my other kinks: biting. I bit her feet and thighs, I gnawed at her belly and hips, I sucked her nipples, then bit them. I bit her arms. All this time, she groaned, squealed, and struggled in the sexiest way. She was extremely aroused, and I was crazed with lust. I couldn't hold back anymore, so I pounced on her, taking her hard and fast, while biting her shoulders and neck. She couldn't stop moaning and soon was coming with every thrust. In the midst of fucking her, I decided I wanted more interaction with her, so I got up with a whimper from her and untied just her legs. I crawled between her legs again, and picked up where I left off, only now she wrapped her legs around me. This was some of the hottest rutting ever. It was fantastic.
When we were both satisfied, I untied her. She touched her ligature marks lightly. "I think you should get a picture of these. I want something for a LiveJournal icon." I felt like a king as I photographed the evidence of my rope-tying. We were both so turned on by the whole thing, we made love again as soon as the pictures were done. Then I tied a rope corset around her chest, a much less sexual form of bondage. The day was a huge success.
So my first attempt at rope bondage was saved from being uncomfortable by skills I had learned thirty years earlier in the Boy Scouts. I wonder what other hidden skills that I've learned in completely innocent circumstances as a youth that are useful in the bedroom. I'll let you know what I discover.
Introduction
I was a mild-mannered, sensitive guy of the 90s, when it was the wild and wicked 70s. I made it pretty much intact up through the new millennium. Then my mind got blown, and now I've entered the most delicious stage of my life -- living to the fullest.
This blog is an exploration of my life, my loves, my excursions into sex, BDSM, paganism, polyamory, and many other topics. This will be a no-holds barred, adult conversation about adult topics.
I'm going to start with a few articles I published over the last couple years in other blogs that were not my own.
I hope you enjoy it.
This blog is an exploration of my life, my loves, my excursions into sex, BDSM, paganism, polyamory, and many other topics. This will be a no-holds barred, adult conversation about adult topics.
I'm going to start with a few articles I published over the last couple years in other blogs that were not my own.
I hope you enjoy it.
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